Supporting a Loved One
When someone experiences a traumatic event like a sexual assault, they often seek the support of those closest to them before formally reporting to law enforcement or other resource centers. It can be hard to know what to say or do, especially when we just want the best for them. Use these tips and resources to guide your response, using a trauma-informed and victim-centered approach.
Responding to Immediate Concerns
The time that comes immediately after a sexual assault can leave a victim/survivor feeling disoriented, confused, frightened, and overwhelmed. Be sure to address the following topics and provide resources as needed.
Physical Safety
Ensure the person is physically safe. Be there for them and encourage them to seek safety by going to a different, safe location or going to be with a loved one. If a safe shelter is needed, help the victim identify options, including Wings of Hope in Stillwater. Wings of Hope can also assist with filing an Emergency Protective Order against the alleged perpetrator.
Medical Attention
A forensic exam (or Sexual Assault Nurse Exam/SANE) is recommended for individuals and can be done within five days of the assault. This exam can identify injuries that might not be visible and provide treatment for any infections or sexually transmitted diseases. Learn more about SANE exams here.
Reporting
Victims have options in how, when, or what they report their experience. As someone supporting a victim, it is your job to discuss options but allow the victim to choose how they want to proceed. At OSU, students have multiple options. Learn more about reporting options here.
Mental Health Support
Following a traumatic event, individuals may wish to seek professional help as they process feelings that are present as they take steps towards healing. Counseling or other mental health resources are available at OSU, learn more here.
Tips for Supporting
- Believe the victim/survivor
Make it abundantly clear that you believe the victim and that you are there to support no matter what. Disclosing a sexual assault to someone takes a lot of courage, so use a supportive response like these:
- “I believe you.”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
- “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
- “I am here to support you.”
- Offer support
Remain calm – your loved one is likely confiding in you because they trust you, so reassure them that you are there for them and want to help. Be available for the victim to express a range of emotions and be a good listener.
- Give the victim/survivor control
During an incident of sexual violence, control is taken away from the victim. Encourage the victim to make decisions for themselves about what comes next and try to avoid telling them what you think they should do.
- Identify trauma responses
There is no “normal” way to deal with trauma. Challenge your assumptions about what a “normal” victim response looks like and identify trauma responses – including depressive episodes, anxiety, withdrawal from relationships, increased substance use, trouble concentrating, etc.
- Avoid investigating
It’s natural to be curious about a victim’s experience, but refrain from investigating. Aside from confirming safety and asking how they are feeling, questions like “what actually happened?” or “were you drinking?” can come across like victim-blaming and are not helpful.
- Be patient
Every victim is on their own timeline. Be patient and realize that healing can take years with steps forward and with steps backward. Be with them for the journey.
- Take care of yourself.
As a support person, it is important to take care of yourself so that you can continue supporting your loved one. Seek out resources to help yourself process feelings and lean on support systems.