Supporting a friend

Supporting a friend who is a victim of domestic/dating or sexual violence is no easy task.  It is very different from helping a friend with an everyday problem. Thus, it will be important to get appropriate information from professionals and obtain services for yourself as well. Below are some helpful guidelines to consult.

• Supporting a victim of domestic violence

  When a friend confides in you, that means they trust that you can help and that they are seriously concerned about their relationship. Many times in DV relationships, the victim does not disclose to anyone due to the psychological control often experienced; so, know that a disclosure is big deal and your response matters.

   

  When a friend tells me about their relationship…

  The best thing you can do when a friend initially discloses their concerns about their relationship is simply listen with a non-judgmental ear and offer support.  Often, you might feel angry towards to the offending partner and want to tell your friend all the bad things you think about them. However, this is counterproductive. The last thing your friend needs is another angry person to calm down. It is important that you stay very even-tempered so that your friend knows you are a safe resource. Also, it is very common for victims of DV to continue the relationship with the abuser for a length of time even after disclosing their concerns. Your friend will be much less likely to confide in you again should things get worse if you react overly negatively towards the abusive partner.  Thus, while you want to express your concern for your friend, you don’t want to be so expressive that your friend doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about it again.  

  Here are some guidelines for reacting to a friend when they tell you about their abusive relationship:

  • Ensure that you are both safe, i.e. talk in a confidential location away from the abusive partner.
  • Stay calm; do not become overly angry at the abusive partner.
  • Listen with a non-judgmental ear.
  • Tell your friend that he/she deserves to be treated with respect and make sure he/she understands this behavior is not their fault.
  • Be clear when stating that you are concerned the partner's behavior will continue to get worse, because you know that DV typically escalates over time, and that you think your friend is in danger.
  • Offer  resources your friend can utilize.
  • Offer to assist your friend in any action he/she could potentially take, i.e. go with them to the Student Conduct Office to file a university complaint, go with them to the police station to file a police report, go with them to talk to a counselor, etc.

  Again, it is very common for victims to remain with the abusive partner even after disclosing to a friend. While it may seem very clear to you that the best decision is to leave the abusive partner, DV is a very complex and confusing experience for victims.  There is no easy answer for why victims stay with their abusive partners as there are many psychological factors at play. Many times, victims feel they cannot support themselves, they still love their partner and hope that he/she will change, or they blame themselves for the abuse. You can learn more about some of the reasons a victim might stay and other information at safehorizon.org.

   

  When the friend chooses not to leave...

  If you are in a situation where a friend is choosing to stay with the abusive partner against your recommendation or concerns, it can be incredibly frustrating.  You might even become angry with your friend for not taking care of themselves or making what you perceive to be dangerous decisions.  While that is a very understandable reaction, your response at this point is critical.  The best thing you can do is accept your friend’s choices, even if you don’t agree with them.  That way, your friend continues to know that you are a safe resource.  Sometimes, you might even think that giving your friend an ultimatum (e.g. leave your partner or I can’t be friends with you) might convince them to leave.  However, this only serves to further restrict resources available to your friend and makes them even more vulnerable. 

  Here are some tips for continuing to help a friend who stay with their abusive partner:

  • Accept your friend’s choices, even if you don’t agree with them.
  • Continue to gently express your concern for your friend and ensure that your friend knows the abuse is not his/her fault.
  • Continue to provide resources and offer to assist with anything you can.
  • Talk to a counselor yourself to ensure that you are taking care of yourself.

  This is not an easy situation by any means. You will likely become very frustrated and may even feel helpless. However, you are not helpless and you can continue to be there for your friend so that when/if your friend decides they are ready to leave, your friend has a safe place to turn.

   

  What if I suspect a friend's relationship is abusive?

  If you suspect that your friends relationship may be abusive, you have a couple of options: do nothing or intervene in some way. If you are truly concerned about a friend, the best thing you can do is express that concern as early as possible before the relationship gets worse. While you do not want to be so forceful that your friend becomes angry with you, there are ways you can gently express concern. Here are some you could choose from:

  • Always consider safety first, i.e. ensure that you and the friend are in a safe location away from the partner before talking.
  • Talk to a professional counselor to get advice about how to approach your friend .
  • Provide your friend with education regarding what DV looks like.
  • Calmly explain what behaviors exhibited by the partner lead you to be concerned.
  • Be sure your friend knows that the concerning behavior is not their fault.

  Again, this is not an easy situation for anyone. The best thing you can do is consult professionals both for yourself and for your friend.

• Supporting a Victim of Sexual Violence

  First and foremost, you must start by believing your friend. End Violence Against Women International has created the Start by Believing campaign in order to emphasize how important this movement is for victims. Often, the very first person's response when a victim shares their story will determine whether or not that victim chooses to disclose again. Watch the video to see just how important your response is.

   

  How to support a friend

  Often, victims report that one of the worst parts about experiencing sexual assault is losing control of their choices and what happens to them. So, it is your responsibility to give the victim back as much control as possible. This means allowing the victim to make their own decisions about the next steps they will take regarding medical attention, law enforcement, counseling, and who hears their story.

  If your friend is a victim of sexual violence the following information can offer guidance on how to help and support.

   

  1. Listen and accept what you hear. Do not press for details. Allow your friend to reflect on what has happened and to share some of their feelings. This is important because asking victims about details of a situation - like what they were wearing, where they were, or who they were with - might come across as blaming victims.
  2. Keep what is said confidential. The victim should always decide who hears their story and who does not; even if you have good intentions in telling someone without the victim's permission, your actions may further harm the victim. (Note: This does not apply to university employees as employees are required to report all Title IX issues to the office of Student Conduct or the Title IX office.)
  3. Let your friend know that they are not to blame. Many victims tend to blame themselves for the offender's actions, especially if the perpetrator was an acquaintance.
  4. Encourage your friend to obtain a medical examination. It might be helpful to offer to drive them to Stillwater Medical Center.
  5. Encourage your friend to call the OSU Victim Advocates (405-564-2129 M-F 8am-5pm) or the Wings of Hope 24 hour crisis line (405-624-3020).
  6. Seek emotional support for yourself if needed. Again, it is incredibly difficult to watch a friend go through this. Not only could a counselor help you process this experience, the counselor may be able to give you advice on how to continue helping your friend.
  7. Allow your friend to make their own decision about their next steps.
  8. Accept their choice, even if you disagree with what they have chosen to do. It is important that they feel empowered to make choices and take back control. Do not impose your values on the victim.
  9. Encourage your friend to file a police report. Filing a report does not commit to prosecution, but will allow the gathering of information and evidence. The information and evidence maintain future options regarding criminal prosecution, university disciplinary actions and/or civil actions against the perpetrator. Information can be helpful in supporting other reports and/or preventing further incidents (even anonymous reports are useful).
  10. Offer resources to your friend. See resources for more information.

  Supporting students as university employees

  As a university employee, your role is very different from that of a friend. There are specific guidelines set forth by Federal Statutes that mandate how you are to handle a situation in which a student confides in you. Please read the Guidelines for University Employees page to fully understand your role and responsibilities.

  Additionally, you may find the following checklist helpful. 

  • According to Board of Regents policy, Oklahoma State University Police Department should be contacted immediately if the incident happened on campus and Stillwater Police Department should be contacted if the incident happened off campus.
  • In compliance with Title IX federal guidance, if an employee of the university is aware of an assault or any type of gender discrimination, then the university must investigate, end the discrimination, prevent the discrimination from reoccurring and educate the campus. University employees must notify the office of Student Conduct (405-744-5470) for issues involving students, and Title IX office for issues involving employees (405-744-9153).
  • Provide the victim with a 1 is 2 Many Booklet. Booklets are provided to each college's student services center and available from the office of Student Conduct.
  • Ask if the victim feels safe in their current campus residence. The office of Student Conduct (405-744-5470) can work with Residential Life to provide a new housing assignment.
  • In the case of sexual assault, provide the student with information about the OSU Victim Advocate and the 24-hour Sexual Assault Crisis Hotline (405-624-3020).
  • Encourage the student to seek follow-up health care through Stillwater Medical Center immediately or with a personal physician (for physical injuries, a general physical exam, and testing for STD/STI, pregnancy and HIV).
  • Offer information concerning the OSU student conduct process, and the reporting student’s options to file a complaint with the university alleging another student violated university policy.
  • Help the student generate a list of people in their life who may be able to provide non-judgmental, confidential support.
  • If appropriate, make a plan to follow-up with the student.