• Consent

  The concept of consent is often misunderstood in comprehending the issues around sexual misconduct. Learning how to talk about consent, gain consent or refuse consent can help clarify each persons responsibility which can minimize the risk of unwanted sexual contact. The following is not the effective consent policy but to be used for informational, educational, and preventative purposes. For University policies please reference the Student Code of Conduct.

  Effective consents:

  • informed;
  • freely and actively given;
  • mutually understandable words or actions;
  • words which indicate a willingness or non willingness to participate in mutually agreed upon sexual activity.

  A person CANNOT give consent:
  (Regardless of what he or she might verbalize):

  • The person is incapacitated or unconscious as a result of alcohol and/or drugs
  • The person is mentally disabled to the extent that the person cannot understand the nature or the consequences of the sexual act
  • The person is not of age to give consent
  • Once a person says no. It does not matter if or what kind of sexual behavior has happened previously in the current event, earlier that day, or daily for the previous six months. It does not matter if it is a current long-term relationship, a broken relationship, or marriage. If one partner says, NO, and the other forces penetration it is rape.

  What does consent mean in intimate relationships?

  Consent is when one person agrees to or gives permission to another person to do something. Consent means agreeing to an action based on your knowledge of what that action involves, its likely consequences and having the option of saying no. The absence of no does not mean yes. Consent is a very important part of a sexual relationship. Each person is responsible for their own comfort and safety. Consent is an important part of healthy sexuality and both people should be involved in the decision to participate in sexual activity.

  CONSENT IS

  • A voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic, creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement.
  • An active agreement: Consent cannot be coerced.
  • A process, which must be asked for every step of the way; if you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy, just ask.
  • Never implied and cannot be assumed, even in the context of a relationship. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you have permission to have sex with your partner.

  Kissing doesn't always need to lead to sex

  Everyone has the right to say no and everyone has the right to change their mind at any time regardless of their past experiences with other people or the person they are with.

  The perks of consent

  • Shows that you have respect for both yourself and your partner.
  • Enhances communication, respect, and honesty.
  • Having the ability to know and be able to communicate the type of sexual relationship you want.
  • The opportunity to acknowledge that you and your partner have sexual needs and desires.
  • The opportunity to identify your personal beliefs and values and respecting your partners personal beliefs and values.
  • Building confidence and self-esteem.
  • Challenging stereotypes that rape is a women's issue.
  • Challenging sexism and traditional views on gender and sexuality.
  • Gaining positive views on sex and sexuality are empowering.
  • Eliminates the entitlement that one partner might feel over another. Neither your body nor your sexuality belong to anyone else.

  What if the person you're with is unable to give consent?

  Drugs and alcohol can affect peoples ability to make decisions, including whether or not they want to be sexual with someone else. This means that if someone is really out of it, they cannot give consent.

  Being with them in a sexual way when they don't know what is going on is the same as rape.

  If you see a person who is unable and is being intimate with someone, you should pull them aside and try your best to make sure that person is safe and knows what he or she is doing. If it’s the opposite situation, and your friend is trying to engage in a sexual encounter with someone who is out if it, you should try to pull them aside and stop them from continuing their behavior

  Responsibility with consent

  Giving consent is not the sole responsibility of one person. An initiator of sexual activity is also responsible for obtaining effective consent before engaging in sexual behavior.

  How do you know if the person you are with has given their consent?

  The only way to know for sure if a person has given consent is if they tell you. Its not always easy to let people know that you are not happy about something. Sometimes the person you're with might look like they are happy doing something, but inside they are not. They might not know what to say or how to tell you that they are uncomfortable. The best way to determine if someone is uncomfortable or unwilling in any situation, especially a sexual one, is to simply ask. Here are some examples of the questions you might ask:

  • Is there anything you don't want to do?
  • Are you comfortable?
  • Do you want to stop?
  • Do you want to go further?

  However, if the person incapacitated (as described above) even if consent is verbalized, it is not consent!

  Recognizing non-verbal communication

  There are many ways of communicating. The look on a persons face or their body language are also a way of communicating. Often non verbal communication has more meaning than the words that come out of their mouth.

  Some examples of non verbal communication that signal a person is uncomfortable with the situation are:

  • Not responding to your touch
  • Pushing you away
  • Holding their arms tightly around their bodies
  • Turning away from you or hiding their face
  • Stiffening muscles

  Asking questions and being aware of body language helps you to determine if the person is consenting and feeling comfortable, or not consenting and feeling uncomfortable. If you get a negative or non-committal answer to any of the questions above, or if the person's body language resembles any of the above examples, you should stop what you are doing and talk to them about it.

  Slowing things down       

  Take your time. Making sure you are both comfortable and want the same thing, talk about how far you want to go. This will make the time you spend together more satisfying and enjoyable for you both. Things can move very quickly. Below are ways to say "slow down" if you feel that things are moving too quickly.

  • I don't want to go any further than kissing, hugging, touching.
  • Lets just stay like this for a while.
  • Lets slow down.

  Stopping

  You always have the right to say no. You always have the right to change your mind at any time regardless of your past experience with the person or others. Below are some things you can say or do if you want so stop:

  • Say No
  • Say I want to stop
  • Say I need to go to the bathroom/toilet
  • In a situation where the other person isn't listening to you and you feel unsafe, say you are going feeling sick and might vomit.

  If someone has attempted or completed a sexual act without your consent...

  Know it is not your fault and there are numerous Resources.

• Bystander Intervention

  Be an intervener! Stop these incidents before they occur, and talk to your friends about it so that they will intervene as well! Our goal is to change the culture on the OSU campus by creating a community of leaders and active bystanders. The in-person 1 is 2 Many Presentation goes over specific examples, training you to become an active bystander. We encourage you to request a presentation so that you can begin making a difference on the OSU campus today! Email student.conduct@okstate.edu or call 405-744-5470 to book a presentation and read more below.

   

  The Bystander Effect predicts that people are less likely to help others when there are more people around a potentially dangerous situation. There are many reasons people might not step up to intervene in these situations. First, here is the thought process someone needs to have before making a conscious decision to intervene:

   

  1.  Notice a critical situation
  2. Recognize a situation as problematic
  3. Develop a feeling of personal responsibility to do something
  4. Believe you have the skills and knowledge to intervene
  5. Consciously decide to help

  There are many thoughts that might interrupt this process. Think about whether or not you have ever thought of any of the following reasons or heard others describe these thoughts...

   

  Pluralistic ignorance
  Nobody else thinks this is a problem..." Many times, people think that no else thinks the situation is a problem because no one is stepping in to stop it. So, many people may internally disagree with a situation, but outwardly do nothing.
  
  Embarrassment
  "I don't want to embarrass myself...Often, people are afraid of embarrassing themselves or those involved in the situation. This is a very legitimate fear, but it is important to weigh the consequences of a potentially embarrassing moment with the consequences of experiencing sexual violence or other harmful situations.
  
  Diffusion of responsibility
  Someone else will take care of that... Shockingly, research shows that the more people there are witnessing a potentially dangerous situation, the less likely it is that anyone individual will intervene because people assume that someone else will take care of it.
  
  Fear of getting hurt
  "What if I get hurt trying to help. This is a very legitimate fear that we want you to consider. We always, always, always want you to consider your personal safety before intervening. However, there is always something you can do to help, even if it is simply calling the police. You can read below to find out more about safe ways to intervene.

  In order to see how some of these thoughts may play out in a real life situation, here are a couple of videos where this process is evident.

   

  So, what can you do to intervene? The following are steps you can take to keep yourself and others around you safe.

  • Educate yourself about interpersonal violence AND share this info with friends
  • Confront friends who make excuses for other peoples abusive behavior
  • Speak up against racist, sexist, and homophobic jokes or remarks

  When attempting to help, you should also think about the 4 D's of intervention:

  1.  Distract - Find a way to distract the participants from what is happening. This could look like changing the subject, mentioning another activity like getting food, or others actions.
  2.  Delegate - If you are not comfortable intervening, find someone who is. You might call law enforcement or other friends, talk to the bartender, or talk to others around.
  3.  Delay - If you are not sure you should intervene, try to delay the situation until you can get more information. This might look like going to the bathroom with a potential victim, turning on a TV, or other behaviors.
  4.  Direct - If you feel comfortable, the best way might be to directly intervene and ask those involved what is going on.

  Remember, any situation that threatens physical harm to yourself or another student should be assessed carefully. Always consider your personal safety before intervening. Contact OSUPD at 405-744-6523 or SPD at 405-372-4171 if assistance is needed.

  
  

  You can also read about the STEP UP! program at http://stepupprogram.org/.

  STEP UP! is a pro-social behavior and bystander intervention program that educates students to be proactive in helping others. Teaching people about the determinants of pro-social behavior makes them more aware of why they sometimes don't help. As a result they are more likely to help in the future.

• Stalking

  While legal definitions of stalking vary from one jurisdiction to another, stalking generally refers to a course of conduct that involves a broad range of behavior directed at the victim. The conduct can be varied and involve actions that harass, frighten, threaten and/or force the stalker into the life and consciousness of the victim.

  Stalking behavior may be difficult to identify, since some can seem kind, friendly or romantic (e.g. sending cards, candy or flowers). However, if the object of the abusers attention has indicated s/he wants no contact, these behaviors may constitute stalking.

  It is important to examine the pattern of behavior in the apparent stalking incidents type of action, frequency, consistency, if the behavior stops when the stalker is told to cease contact, etc.

  Indicators of stalking behavior

  The following actions are some behaviors stalkers use. This is not an exhaustive list, and it is important to consider the intensity of each behaviors in deciding if stalking is the intent.

  • Persistent phone calls despite being told not to make contact in any form
  • Waiting for the victim at workplace, in the neighborhood/residence hall, after class, and where the stalker knows the victim goes
  • Threats to family, friends, property or pets of the victim. (Threats or actual abuse toward pets is a particularly strong indicator of potential to escalate to more or lethal violence)
  • Manipulative behavior (e.g. threatening to commit suicide in order to get a response).
  • Defamation: The stalker often lies to others about the victim (e.g. reporting infidelity to the victim's partner)
  • Sending the victim written messages, such as letters, email, graffiti, text messages, Im's, etc
  • Objectification: The stalker demeans the victim, reducing him/her to an object, allowing the stalker to feel angry with the victim without experiencing empathy
  • Sending unwanted gifts

  What to do if someone is stalking you.

  • Don't answer the phone or door unless you know who it is.
  • End all communication with the person who is stalking you. Don't get into arguments with them or pay attention to them that's what they want!
  • Let family, friends, and your employer know you are being stalked. Show them a picture of the stalker.
  • Talk to a teacher, friend, administrator or counselor who can help you decide how to deal with the situation.
  • Write down the times, places, and detailed summaries of each incident. Keep all emails or texts.
  • Contact the police if stalking persists despite your efforts to end it.
  • Consider obtaining a restraining order, but evaluate the pros and cons of doing so. Sometimes it can escalate the violence.
  • Change your routine so the stalker is less able to predict your whereabouts.
  • Keep any written messages (including electronic) and recorded voice communications

  What to do about cyber stalking

  • Do not meet anyone you've met on the internet in person.
  • Don’t share personal information (name, phone numbers, addresses, etc.) in online public places.
  • Consider creating separate email accounts for social networking sites or other sites that require personal logins. (Good way to reduce your spam too!)
  • Use filters and blockers to block unwanted emails.
  • Send a clear message to a cyber stalker that you do not want further communication and will contact authorities if messaging continues.
  • Save all communications from a cyber stalker.

  If you are a victim of stalking:

  Know it is not your fault and there are numerous Resources.

• Dating/Domestic Violence

  Relationship (Domestic) and dating violence (DV)

  Relationship violence is a pattern of behavior in which one partner uses fear and intimidation to establish power and control over the other partner. This often includes the threat or use of violence. This abuse happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. It may or may not include sexual assault, physical abuse, and emotional abuse.

  Relationship violence can occur in straight/heterosexual relationships, same-sex/gender relationships and in intimate relationships that do not involve romantic feelings. Intimate partner violence can happen with roommates, friends, classmates, or teammates. Relationship violence impacts people of all ethnicities, races, classes, abilities and nationalities.

  Although there are some general patterns in domestic or dating violence, there is no typical abusive behavior. To wear down and control his/her victim, an abuser may use emotional harassment, physical contact, intimidation, or other means. The controlling behavior usually escalates, particularly if the object of the abuse tries to resist or leave.

   

  Relationship (Domestic) and dating violence on a college campus

  Many times, when people hear domestic violence they imagine a couple hitting and screaming, leaving bruises or even a hospital visit. Typically, that is not what DV looks like a college campus. It is imperative to remember that DV escalates over time, meaning it doesn't start all of the sudden with physical violence. There are usually early warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship.

  Often, control is the earliest indicator of a potentially volatile partner. This might look like a partner being obsessive about checking your phone, looking at your Facebook page or other social media, checking your email, etc. It might come across as cute that your partner cares so much for you that he/she just wants to know everything you're doing. However, these types of behaviors are not ok and may be early warning signs of potential abuse.

  Another early indicator is isolation. If a partner doesn't want you spending time with friends or family and you begin to feel isolated, like you cant talk to anyone but your partner without causing a fight or making your partner jealous, this is a problem.  Many abusive partners use isolation as a control mechanism to make it feel harder to leave the relationship. Especially in college where many people are far away from home and family, isolation can be a very influential means of control. There are certain behaviors that might be considered red flags. You can read more about these red flags at nnedv.org. Be sure to watch out for these behaviors in your relationships and in your friends relationships.

   

  Red flags include someone who:

  • Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.
  • Early in the relationship flatters you constantly, and seems too good to be true."
  • Wants you all to him- or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.
  • Insists that you stop participating in hobbies or activities, quit school, or quit your job.
  • Does not honor your boundaries.
  • Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful.
  • Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day.
  • Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, and/or fat/unattractive, or that no one else would ever want or love you.
  • Takes no responsibility for his or her behavior and blames others.
  • Has a history of abusing others.
  • Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on his or her former partner; for example, ;My ex was totally crazy.
  • Takes your money or runs up your credit card debt.
  • Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others.

  Keep reading about these definitions, but remember to think about how they might look like on a college campus as opposed to what you see in movies or in the media. Also, if you have a friend you suspect to be in an abusive relationship, check out the Supporting a Friend page to see how you can help.

   

  Types and forms of relationship violence

  Relationship violence is a crime. Behaviors that are used to maintain fear, intimidation, and power over another person may include threats, economic abuse, sexual abuse or taking advantage of privilege. These behaviors may take the form of physical, sexual, emotional, and/or psychological violence.

  General descriptions of the types of domestic and dating violence are as follows:

   

  Physical violence: The abusers physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts, which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks. Physical abuse may include, but is not limited to, pushing, shoving, hitting, kicking, choking, restraining with force, or throwing things.

   

  Sexual abuse: Physical attack is often accompanied by or culminates in some type of sexual intercourse with the victim, or forcing her/him to take part in unwanted sexual activity. Sexual violence may include, but is not limited to, treating the victim and other people as objects via actions and remarks, using sexual names, insisting on dressing or not dressing in a certain ways, touching in ways that make a person uncomfortable, rape, or accusing the victim of sexual activity with others.

   

  Emotional or psychological violence: The abusers psychological or mental attack may include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property. Emotional or psychological abuse may include, but is not limited to, withholding approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment; ridiculing her/his most valued beliefs, religion, race, or heritage; humiliating and criticizing her/him in public or private; or controlling all her/his actions and decisions.

   

  It could be intimate partner abuse if….

  One person:

  • Constantly blames his/her partner for everything - including his/her own abusive behavior/temper.
  • Makes mean and degrading comments about a partners appearance, beliefs or accomplishments.
  • Controls money and time.
  • Gets extremely jealous of everyone, i.e. friends, family, etc.
  • Isolates a partner.
  • Loses his/her temper.
  • Is obsessive of a partner.
  • Physically and/or sexually assaults another.

  Or the other person:

  • Gives up things that are important to her/him, including friends, family, hobbies, etc.
  • Cancels plans with friends.
  • Becomes isolated from family and/or friends.
  • Worries about making her/his partner angry.
  • Shows signs of physical abuse like bruises or cuts.
  • Feels embarrassed or ashamed about whats going on in her/his relationship.
  • Consistently makes excuses for her/his partners behavior

  If you are experiencing intimate partner abuse or suspect a friend is...

  Know it is not your fault and there are numerous Resources.  You can also learn more ways to support a friend.

Situational awareness

When students come to college they accept new responsibilities, including taking appropriate measures to ensure their own personal safety. In combination with OSU's efforts to maintain a safe living and learning environment, the University encourages students to follow these safety tips to protect themselves.

Sometimes, especially in cases of sexual or domestic violence, safety tips can border on blaming the victim for not taking these steps to prevent their victimization. OSU wants to be very clear that victims are in NO way at fault for anything that happened to them, regardless of the circumstances. So, these safety tips are a great resource but should never be reason for placing blame on victims.

• At home, in your apartment, or in a residential hall
  1. Keep your room door locked when you are napping/sleeping or not in your room.
  2. Never let unauthorized persons come into your room, enter residence halls, or enter apartment security doors. Always ask to see proper identification.
  3. Never prop open inside or outside doors.
  4. Do not hide keys outside of your room or apartment. Do not put your name or address on your key rings.
  5. Avoid working or studying alone in a campus building.
  6. Never dress in front of a window. Close blinds or curtains after dark.
  7. If you are awakened by an intruder inside your room, do not attempt to apprehend the intruder. Try to get an accurate description of the intruder and then call the police.
  8. Any suspicious activity should be reported to the OSU Police immediately.
• Protect Your Possessions
  1. Always keep your doors locked. Never prop open a door.
  2. Secure your vehicle. Close all windows and lock all doors.
  3. Adequately protect all valuables in your room, such as wallets, jewelry, credit cards, cash and computers. Do not leave valuables or cash in plain view.
  4. Do not loan your keys to anyone.
  5. Never hide your keys outside your apartment or room. Do not put your name or address on your key rings.
  6. Take all valuable items home with you during vacations.
  7. When in a public place, keep valuable possessions out of sight. If you must leave an area for any length of time, take personal items with you.
• When Driving
  1. Carry your car keys when approaching your vehicle so you can enter quickly.
  2. Always check underneath your car upon approach and in the rear seat for intruders before entering your automobile.
  3. Lock your doors and keep windows rolled up whenever possible.
  4. Drive on well-traveled and well-lit streets.
  5. Never hitchhike, and never pick up hitchhikers.
  6. If someone tries to enter your stopped vehicle, sound the horn and drive to a safe area such as a convenience store.
  7. If your vehicle breaks down, ask any person who offers to help to call the police. Do not allow any person access to you or inside your car. Roll down your window no more than an inch. Be aware that an accident may be staged to provide the driver who hits you an opportunity to commit a criminal act.
  8. Leave enough room between your car and the one ahead so you can drive around it if necessary.
  9. Call ahead when driving to your home or apartment late at night and have someone watch you walk from your car to the residence.
  10. Limit distractions such as cell phones.
• While Walking or Jogging
  1. Avoid walking or jogging alone, and try not to walk or jog after dark.
  2. Avoid dark or vacant areas. Walk along well-lit routes.
  3. Be alert to your surroundings. If you suspect you are being followed: Run in a different direction, go to the other side of the street and yell for help, or move quickly to a lit area, a group of people, or a blue light emergency phone.
  4. Have your keys ready when returning to your residence hall or apartment. Keep your personal or valuable items concealed and close to your body.
  5. Avoid wearing headphones when walking or jogging. Always be aware of your surroundings and practice risk avoidance techniques.
• Socially
  1. Do not give out your personal information including phone number, email address, social media username, etc. to individuals you have not developed a level of trust with.
  2. If you perceive communication from another individual to be inappropriate, makes you uncomfortable, or is threatening do not respond.
  3. Do not put your daily schedule, phone number, or address online.
  4. Make sure you trust any online website with which you choose to share your personal information (especially financial information like credit cards).
  5. Before going to a party where alcohol will be present, make a plan, know your limits, and appoint a sober driver.
  6. At a party stay and leave with the friends you came with.
  7. Make your own drink and keep your drink in your hands at all times.
  8. If someone is pressuring you into drinking, remove yourself from the situation.